three and a half decades

i'll be 35 next week and it's well beyond my understanding how i managed to make it this long. my childhood and teens was a car wreck waiting to happen, every second of the day. somehow, i managed to produce a greate relationship with my family and some close friends, a degree from an honorable institution, a good job and overall, a pretty decent life. it amazes me because i'm still not sure i understand what 35 means. not in means of accomplishment, but by measure of the greater being. i know in the lifespan of the world, i'm not even a speck of existence, but i am my world, so it means everything. and this may sound selfish, but it's not, at all. everyone has a belief in something whether it be a deity, a cause, a reason to get up in the morning, whatever, but without themselves, none of that means anything. i can't believe in a god, have a purpose or even bother getting up in the morning if i don't exist. it sounds cliche to say that the only one to look out for is ourselves, because there are things in our life that without, wouldn't give us much of a life. But ultimately, the things we do are pretty selfish.

now i know this is no huge discovery and i'll probably get flamed by the two people that read this, but i do believe this to a certain degree. And i'm sure that if my beliefs were stronger in other aspects of my life, i may feel differently, but i am who i am. and occasionally, someone likes me for that. if there's anything i believe in, it's karma. which, to a small degree, negates my arguement, but moreso, it tells me that the existence i have with others should be treated with respect and goodness. do bad things in life, and you'll eventually get yours. do good things in life, and your reward is some great late night Cinemax viewing.

i think what i'm getting at here is that in 35 years, what fascinates me the most about life is human nature. more than anything else, why are people the way they are? i'm not even sure how well i know myself. do we really ever truly know ourselves? but why be here? for ourselves and each other. without me, none of you really matter, in my life. without you, my life ceases to be interesting or worthwhile. and i'm not sure if i'm saying truly what i mean here, so anyone taking this all as bad, it's not. it's all very good. we need eachother and that's what makes me happy.

i'm not sure i understand what 35 means, because i have nothing to model it after, personally. at 35, my dad had two kids. at 35, beethoven was writing operas and well thru half of his life. at 35, my grandfather had fought and lived thru a world war and was well on his way to being a millionaire. i'm none of that, so i wonder where i stand in my 35 years. i don't know what will happen tomorrow, or next week or in 35 more years. i hope i live a long and happy life and learn a lot.

in the end, i just hope i've earned some good Cinemax.